Caged

Me and my cousin have always had our differences. I think that he is a really nice guy when he is sober. But when he has even a tiny bit of alcohol, he changes completely into a different person. A total douche

I remember as a kid, traveling interstate to see him and my other cousins every year. We had lots of fun. I guess things started to change as we got older. I guess in a way we have outgrown each other.

As we got into our twenties things started getting serious. I fought him 2 times, the last being earlier this year. I ended up breaking his jaw, cheekbone and his pride. I know what I did was wrong. I don’t deny that it was immature and stupid. But he had pushed me to the breaking point. I’m not a bad guy, I guess I just make stupid decisions.

Any ways, fast-forward six months later to now. Things haven’t been easy between me and him. Yet I keep trying to make amends and get us to back to being those two kids who had fun. It never turns out that way at all.

Last week I invited him over for dinner. He turned up late, drunk and rowdy. What was I to do? All the problems stem from him drinking and getting that

liquid courage

Inside him. Like the many times before, he started on me with his nonsense. Trying to provoke a reduction out of me and get me heated up. I was not going to stick around and have a repeat of the months before. My friend had came over and I jumped in the car and left him stranded. Does that make me a bad person for leaving a family member behind? Someone who I can’t control my anger towards when he gets into that frame of mind? All the talk in the world would have done no difference at all.

After today though, I’m feeling like a bad human being. My aunty rang me and told me he was sentenced to 4 months in prison. I can’t help feeling like that maybe I could have been there for him and not be so selfish and think of me.

I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like doing something crazy and getting myself locked up as well. Just so I can protect him while he is in there. Is that too outrageous? Do I need to keep a control of my self? Some how I feel as though I’m caged. Everything is bottling up inside me and I’m scared. Scared that when it comes out it will be volatile. People around me will be hurt.

I will make an appointment to go see him though. That’s a certain. He is family after all. As the old saying goes

you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family

Enough ranting, it’s the weekend. Time to go have fun.

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Grange!

I work for a wine company in Australia as a

Wine Advisor

Today, we tasted the Penfolds Grange bin 95 1993 vintage Shiraz. Wow! Amazing! It is unlike any other wines I have ever tasted.

I can see why it is worth the $700 price tag. It was so smooth. Flavors were complex, it had a good mouth feel and I enjoyed it to the very last drop. It definitely lifted my mood.

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Ice Cube

I feel like an ice cube. To everyone else, it’s all ok. Everything is ‘cool’ on the outside. Yet, on the inside I’m struggling to come to terms with my emotions. It’s as if they are see-through like an ice cube. Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know how to describe it or put my emotions into words. It seems as though this powerful feeling is taking a grip on me like never before.

What do I do? I don’t know.

I want to talk to some one. I want to let them know how I really feel. But I just don’t know how to convey the message across.

My mind is racing constantly. I can never sit still. I sleep for 2 hours a night. Tossing and turning but at the same time not thinking about any thing. It’s like someone has taken something from me. I don’t know what do to.

I’m stuck between two worlds. I want to talk to my parents about certain things but cannot due to circumstances. I want to talk to my friends, but it interferes with another part of my life that they don’t know about.

I just feel like an ice cube.